GOP Announces Alternative Candidate

1_132014_ap13031806488201_s878x615In a long-awaited move, the Republican National Committee has finally announced an alternative candidate who is expected to contest the party’s nomination of Trump at the national convention in July.

In a press conference this morning, RNC chair Reince Priebus said “I am happy to announce a new alternative to the current presumptive GOP nominee, Donald Trump.  The people have spoken in our primaries, but as you all know it has been a contentious process that left many dissatisfied with the results.  Our party has searched long and hard for a worthwhile candidate to carry forward the Republican banner.  Someone who embodies the small-government, states-rights, free-market principles that define our party.  Someone who appeals to the people.  Someone who in fact resembles a person, without being offensive to women, other races, those with mental and physical impairments, homosexuals, non-Christians…basically anyone who can walk into a room without getting punched in the face.

“We couldn’t find anyone, so we’re going to run this mop I found in my basement last night.”

Priebus was then joined on stage by co-chair Sharon Day, who wheeled out a bucket with a mop in it.  Day wrung out the remaining bucket water and propped up the mop on the lectern next to Priebus.  The wooden handle appeared worn and some of the mop threads were unraveling.  A little water continued to drip onto the lectern.

Priebus resumed: “I’m not sure when I got this mop.  It might have belonged to my dad?  You know how there are those things around the house you’ve always just had?  Anyway, after an exhausting search process I needed to blow off some steam, and I like to do that by cleaning.  I headed down to the basement and it just hit me.

“Literally, the mop fell out of the closet and hit me in the face.  And I thought, ‘why not run this mop?  Nobody can hate a mop, right?’  The more I thought of it, the more sense it made.  People see a mop, they think of hard work.  They think blue collar.  These are principles we want to identify with.  We also know that undecided voters often can’t tell the difference between a household object and a politician.  And most importantly, mops can’t make speeches or do interviews with the press.

“That will be all for now.”  Priebus left the stage, followed by Day rolling the mop off in its bucket.

Polls this afternoon show a three-way deadlock between Trump, Clinton, and Mop.


I'm an actor and writer living in NYC with my wife, son, dog, and cat. I'm older than I look.

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