Colin Fisher

Blog of NYC-based actor & writer Colin Fisher

Dad Blog: Birth of the Patriarchy

A lot of very basic human truths become quickly evident once you have a baby. One of the first to occur to me was how the patriarchy got started. You may be surprised to learn that keeping a child alive requires a great deal of attention, time, and self-sacrifice. You may be further surprised to learn that a man can, at any point, just get up and walk away from this situation while his female partner literally has a living thing latched to her. The baby gets fed and survives, the men get to hang out with each other and run things, and women slowly disappear from society. I will now show you how I think this played out.

INT. ANCIENT MESOPOTAMIAN HUT, 8000 BC

Abraham and Rebecca look lovingly at their new son Jacob. Abraham is 53 and overweight. Rebecca is 18. Jacob is a little baby.

REBECCA
Look at our son, Abraham. Isn’t he beautiful?

ABRAHAM
Yes, Rebecca. And thank Gozer he is male.

REBECCA
Um, OK.

Jacob starts to cry.

REBECCA
Oh sweetie don’t cry, mommy will take care of you.

She begins to breastfeed her son. A few moments pass. Something occurs to Abraham.

ABRAHAM
So, you’ve got this right?

REBECCA
Um, I guess, but—

ABRAHAM
I mean I’m not much use here, I thought I’d go see how Ben and Sarah are doing with their new baby.

REBECCA
OK. Before you leave can you just—

ABRAHAM
Great, see you later! Yell if you need anything!

Abraham exits

REBECCA
I need food!

EXT. BEN AND SARAH’S FRONT DOOR

Abraham walks up and knocks on the door. A baby is crying inside. Ben opens the door.

BEN
Abraham! I thought you had a little baby of your own back home!

ABRAHAM
I do, but listen to this—I just got up and left!

BEN
What? You can do that?

ABRAHAM
I just did! I mean I didn’t LEAVE-leave, I’ll go back tonight, but I was sitting there and I was like “this is really boring and tough, I don’t want to be here.” So—I just left!

BEN
This IS really boring and tough! I want to leave too!

ABRAHAM
Well come with me! I have some ideas!

BEN
(to Sarah, unseen inside)
Hey honey, I’m going out with Abraham for a while. You’ve got this right?

SARAH
Um, I guess, but—

BEN
Great see you later!

MONTAGE: Ben and Abraham get all the new dads to come out with them. They walk arm in arm down the street, drinking and singing. Later at a tavern they’re all gathered around a table in a heated discussion. Then they’re inscribing things on tablets and nodding in agreement.

INT. ABRAHAM AND REBECCA’S HUT

It’s late at night. Rebecca looks exhausted, and baby Jacob is crying. Abraham stumbles in.

REBECCA
Abraham! Where have you been?

ABRAHAM
Hey sweetie! Just out with the guys.

REBECCA
What have you been doing all night?

ABRAHAM
Nothing, we just invented a bunch of rules for this thing called “society.” You don’t need to worry about it. Where’s dinner?

 

Totally went down just like that.

About

I'm an actor and writer living in NYC with my wife, son, dog, and cat. I'm older than I look. http://colinfisher.net

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