For the last 17 years I’ve been trying to become a professional actor. It’s been slow, to put a delusionally positive spin on it. As my son’s due date approached, I backed off of my day job of doing stand-in and background work. I wanted to be around to help my wife out with anything she needed as she became distressingly more pregnant, and I also wanted to enjoy our last time together before our family expanded. Once Del was born, that was it–I turned off everything except being a dad for the time being. For the first time in 17 years, my inner monologue hasn’t been “when are you getting new headshots maybe something with more color you really need to reach out to agents I wonder what casting directors I should try to meet on my own there’s nothing stopping me from booking commercial work right now except getting in the room how do I get a costar role without an agent I really need to make that short I’ve been working on.” I’m not exaggerating. I didn’t even have to think to write that. I just flipped a switch and it all fell out of me. I meditate regularly and for the last few years, once my mind settles that’s what’s left, that run-on nonsense you just read. Every single morning. Since Del was born? It’s a lot quieter. When he goes down for his nap after our breakfast and I sit down and get still, my mind reaches out and grabs on to that stillness while it can. It feels like I was underwater for a very long time.
It has been refreshing. I no longer have to answer the question “what are you working on?” People just ask me about my son, and I’m more than happy to tell them. In the back of my mind I’m hoping that going through this, becoming a father and stepping back from acting even if for a few months, will refill me or give me a different perspective or a new quality that will help me whenever I do get back into it. The idea of jumping back into the fray is presently exhausting, and if that feeling never changes then I’m not sure where I’ll be, but for now I know what I need to do and I am doing it. Plain and simple.
Colin Fisher is many things to many people, but mostly he’s an actor and writer.