One year ago today, at 7:15 PM, standing on 9th Avenue between 44th and 45th Streets, I found out my wife was pregnant.
I had a meeting with an agent at Actor’s Connection at 6:30 that evening. Amy got home from work around 6 with a pregnancy test she’d picked up on the way home. I knew she was going to take it while I was gone, and I told her not to text me or call me or anything because I knew there was no way I’d be able to focus on the task at hand if the results were positive. It was still difficult to perform a monologue and have any sort of coherent conversation knowing that my life was quite possibly about to take a sharp turn. I had also told her that I’d call her after the meeting to see about picking up dinner. I walked out of the building, made the call, and said “So I’ll pick up sushi on the way home. Should I get a bottle of wine?” To which she replied “I don’t think so, because you’re not supposed to drink when you’re pregnant.” I did put the order in for some sushi, and I felt ten feet tall as I walked up 9th to the restaurant. At one point I was about to cross on a red light because there was a gap in traffic, and I thought “no, better not, you need to take care of yourself now.”
Don’t worry, I’m too much of a New Yorker for that to have lasted very long.
One year ago today, and I didn’t even realize it but tonight we got sushi from the very same restaurant while my son napped in his swing by our side. Almost four months in and I have a son who looks at me and knows me and smiles at me and giggles and tries to talk. At least, I think he’s trying to talk because of course he’s a genius. Nine months of secret fears, reading about what could go wrong, making up new things that could go wrong, worrying about space and money and time and would I know what to do and we are so fortunate. Fatherhood is unrelenting and I’m doing my best to show up for every moment, and I wouldn’t change a thing. One year of my life trying to reconcile the fact that I am indeed old enough to be a parent, older in fact than my parents were who were already a little to the right of the bell curve when they had me. Nine months of imagining who this person was whom we were bringing into the world, three months and change of getting to know him, a remaining lifetime of watching him become himself.
I can’t wait.
Colin Fisher is many things to many people, but mostly he’s an actor and writer.